August 15th, 2011


Alternative endings for Harry Potter 7

Warning: spoilers for a book published five years ago.

The seventh Harry Potter book was originally titled Harry Potter And The Book Where Everybody Dies. The title was changed to The Deathly somethings by marketeers. Of course, Harry was supposed to die outright following the path of the chosen warrior in making the ultimate sacrifice.

Ms. Rowling lacked the strength of will to kill off Harry. Instead the weak fabrication is that Harry is only Mostly Dead. He gets the tunnel and the light but then comes back no worse for the wear.

Wouldn't it have been much better if Harry had just risen as a zombie? We could dispense with all the Elder Wand chain of custody nonsense and move straight on to Harry and Pocahontas in their final battle.

With vacant expression Harry would stumble up from behind the Dark Lord; he would surprised but cast an Avada Kedavra with the Elder Wand to conclusively end the fight. Harry, being already dead, would shamble on reaching for the Dark Lord's head. He would scream with pain and terror as Harry climbed his stupid cape and devoured his brains right out of his still-living skull.


The epilogue could be something like Shaun Of The Dead with Harry stiffly standing in a hug between Ron and Hermione as they survey the damage and count their losses. Ron could say something about his brother and Hermione could talk about the sacrifices they all made. Finally Harry could moan, "brains!" Then they would all laugh.


I'm pretty sure that the movie chose to defame all the Slytherins by removing the stories of the ones who did fight at Hogwarts for the good guys. The Malfoys also lost their parts in the final battle. Aside from the implications for free will, the deprecation of all Slytherin makes the very idea of Hogwarts kind of ugly with one of the founders' houses irredeemably evil right from the sorting.

My alternative is better.