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Life Is Tough [Tuesday 21 Apr 2009 at 12:21 pm]
Owen
A few weeks ago a friend of mine on LJ posted about a dating frustration and told the story of how she visited a local bar and took home a fellow she met there. She had sent him away first thing in the morning with no intention of ever seeing him again.

I wanted to post that I was jealous. As a man I can't just go out to a bar and meet someone who will be interested in a quick meaningless night together. When I´m frustrated there really aren't any such easy outlets to forget things for one night. But men aren't supposed to admit in public that it's hard to seduce women so I didn't say anything.

A week later I was introduced to a new acquaintance. V and I have some common friends. She's a student at a large public university near where I live. She was very aggressive and direct about why she had requested an introduction. Apparently she finds me very handsome. She asked me soon after meeting if I was a little shy, and I told her that indeed I am. She then promised to be hot and exciting enough for both of us. She mentioned that relationships don't really need to be serious and that she really liked sex.

I was more put off by the whole meeting than I expected to be. V is a pretty girl but slightly overweight. She smells nice and I liked sitting close with her pressed up against me. But she displayed no interest at all in who I am deep inside or my interests in science or books. Any time I tried to expand the conversation to find commonalities she turned right back to how nice it would be if we were just kissing already.

I took her number but when she texted me later I didn't respond. I guess I was wrong about the whole jealousy of one night stands thing.

The next day I was at lunch with some friends. A very pretty college girl I didn't know was with them. I made some small talk about books and she had obviously read some. C was a little bit too pretty for my usual taste. I feel like the really sharp looking girls are a little dangerous and prefer a more rough hewn outdoorsy look more than the model look. After lunch we all had appointements including C but instead of heading out to her class, she followed me to the juice bar where I bought an orange juice. She didn't get anything but suggested we could find a place to sit while I drank it. We talked for another half an hour together before I had to leave but I still wasn't thinking of the event as more than casual. She was already very late for class by then.

And when I was expecting to say goodbye she asked for my phone number. And carefully entered my full name into her phone. I was a little surprised but realized that I'd somehow inspired more interest in her than I'd expected, though I still didn't know her intentions.

We exchanged a few text messages over the next week and she suggested we should get together. When I called her on the appointed day she told me something had come up and she couldn´t go out. We talked a couple more times on the phone and set up a date for last week. When the time came she didn't show up. I called her and she didn't answer.

Guess I was right all along about pretty girls.

Even though I was prefectly happy to let this girl go without ever getting her contact info it really hit me hard when she stood me up. I was kind of befuddled and upset all evening.

Sunday I went on a tour of a local archaeological site. Pretty, but more the athletic type than the model type, A climbed the hills with me much swifter than our companions. We talked a lot between the sites. She slipped me a post it note with her name and phone number written out. After last time it makes me a little nervous, though. I suppose I ought to call her.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: gabrielleabelle
Tuesday 21 Apr 2009 at 06:14 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I wouldn't be too sure about V. I like to make sure that, even if it's a one-night thing, they like something about me, not just the fact that I'll have sex with them. Even if you never intend to see the person again, they should be more than just a means to an end.

Too bad about Carol. Shrug her off and give Adriana a call, though. Best of luck.

As a man I can't just go out to a bar and meet someone who will be interested in a quick meaningless night together. When I´m frustrated there really aren't any such easy outlets to forget things for one night. But men aren't supposed to admit in public that it's hard to seduce women so I didn't say anything.

Yeah, that would make you seem sleazy. On the other hand, I seem slutty when I do that, so *shrug*. Society's weird about sex. I just don't care about the judgment of others because I know I'm not hurting or taking advantage of anybody.
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Wednesday 22 Apr 2009 at 06:23 pm (UTC)
I like to make sure that, even if it's a one-night thing, they like something about me

My pretty eyes, my strong arms... Not really enough for me. Has to be something about my soul.

Society's weird about sex

Boy howdy.
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[User Picture]From: woman_of_
Tuesday 21 Apr 2009 at 06:23 pm (UTC)
Don't let two bad expriences put you off. It is difficult when you are shy, and maybe a bit unsure of yourself, but dating is a tough game. Getting tougher every year. Survival of the fittest almost.

Try again. Don't give up hope!
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Wednesday 22 Apr 2009 at 06:25 pm (UTC)
dating is a tough game.

There should be a minor league for people who are just looking for a relationship and not trying to "win."
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[User Picture]From: confusedkayt
Tuesday 21 Apr 2009 at 07:34 pm (UTC)
Well, that's just *rude.* *glares at girl number two* The trouble with very attractive folks, I have often found, is that they aren't well-practiced in relating to people who aren't hitting on them. I fear that this girl was subconsciously miffed that you weren't fawning, and once she saw you behaving in a way she has come to expect, courtesy went out the window. Poor creatures... I think they must end up socialized very strangely as compared to the rest of us. I imagine it's quite hard to live that way.

I hope you do call girl #3! She seems fun, and relatively classy, which is more than you can say for girl #2. And girl #1... *shrugs* Here's hoping she finds what she's looking for!
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Wednesday 22 Apr 2009 at 06:26 pm (UTC)
I imagine it's quite hard to live that way.

Yeah, the horror of being extremely attractive. My heart goes out to them.
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[User Picture]From: rebcake
Tuesday 21 Apr 2009 at 07:35 pm (UTC)
I suppose you should call her. Duh. It's all a crap shoot, of course, but when you do (finally!) hit it off with someone, all this pain and frustration will fade. I guess. My husband says "no", he's still pissed off over every slight, but he also says it all came out right, in the end. He definitely never stopped trying, though. The alternative is too miserable to contemplate. I've been looking at a couple of examples in my own family of people who gave up on connecting with people, and it's not pretty. Don't go there. You'll have your dignity, maybe, but what the hell good is that?

BTW: Ms. V is providing a valuable service, going around smelling good and telling nice fellows that she finds them handsome. Even if it makes you realize that you are seeking something a bit deeper, aren't you sort of glad she made the effort? (I'm not-so-secretly identifying with Ms. V, though she does seem a bit single-minded.)

Carry on. Best of luck.

Edited at 2009-04-21 07:37 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Wednesday 22 Apr 2009 at 06:31 pm (UTC)
he's still pissed off over every slight

I need to drink more so that my memory isn't that good.

Ms. V is providing a valuable service, going around smelling good and telling nice fellows that she finds them handsome

Now that you mention it, that should be part of the stimulus plan. It is a valuable service and should be funded out of tax dollars. We could have thousands of nice smelling college girls telling nice men that they're handsome.

Really, I liked meeting her. I just didn't want to go through with it.
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[User Picture]From: empresspatti
Tuesday 21 Apr 2009 at 07:55 pm (UTC)
Egads! It sounds like one endlessly long job interview complete with obstacle course. Best of luck at the bamboo pit.
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Wednesday 22 Apr 2009 at 06:32 pm (UTC)
one endlessly long job interview

Exactly. Seems like it could be nicer with all the potential for romance and excitement, but not so much.
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[User Picture]From: curiouswombat
Tuesday 21 Apr 2009 at 08:58 pm (UTC)
Oh dear - I am not full of profound advice - I find myself wishing you much luck, but thinking of Mrs Patrick Campbell when she said "Marriage is the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise longue" - and feeling grateful for my double bed!
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Wednesday 22 Apr 2009 at 06:33 pm (UTC)
hurly-burly of the chaise longue

Yeah and not the poolside chaise longue with sun and margaritas, either.
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[User Picture]From: missus_grace
Tuesday 21 Apr 2009 at 09:03 pm (UTC)
I tell ya - kids these days. They got no manners :)

Call the post-it note girl. If she blows you off, then you get the opportunity to find someone better. If she shows up, I hope you have a good time!
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Wednesday 22 Apr 2009 at 06:34 pm (UTC)
They got no manners

Sigh.
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[User Picture]From: obiwahn
Tuesday 21 Apr 2009 at 09:12 pm (UTC)
Call her!

Girl number two was very rude, but believe me, I've had guys do that too. You can't let one person, or even a couple, make you give up. It sounds like a lot of girls are finding you interesting/attractive, so you should feel good about that!
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Wednesday 22 Apr 2009 at 06:36 pm (UTC)
a lot of girls are finding

It was a good month for numbers bit the relationship harvest still seems depressingly bare.

I've had guys do that too

Really? Who does that? It seems almost surreal to me.
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[User Picture]From: obiwahn
Thursday 23 Apr 2009 at 02:16 am (UTC)
Really? Who does that? It seems almost surreal to me.

A lot of people do that, I think. It's really annoying. Especially when you don't even really care to begin with whether they call or not. Being stood up by someone you are just blase' about is worse somehow. Arrg.

I know, it's hard out there. I feel your pain :/
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[User Picture]From: petzipellepingo
Tuesday 21 Apr 2009 at 09:17 pm (UTC)
Call her! Those other two women were just rude, maybe she'll be the exception.
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Wednesday 22 Apr 2009 at 06:36 pm (UTC)
We'll see.
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[User Picture]From: pfeifferpack
Tuesday 21 Apr 2009 at 10:15 pm (UTC)
Dating is hell. I am well out of it. I was always afraid to be the aggressor because I'm at the age where girls were still taught that nice girls didn't pursue (years of dateless existence from that LOL).

I'd give Adriana a shot. We are just like you guys...insecure, self doubting and each of us is different from the other. I think you made the right choice on V. If ALL she wanted was sex, she would be better off with a vibrator not a human being. If she had shown interest in YOU that would be different (aggressive and likes sex add in really interested in you = Yahtzee! ) Have no clue about the second girl....maybe she just chickened out thinking she had been too pushy or she met someone else? Yeah, give Adriana a shot, don't "punish" her for the other two.

Kathleen
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[User Picture]From: ms_scarletibis
Tuesday 21 Apr 2009 at 11:27 pm (UTC)
I'd give Adriana a shot. We are just like you guys...insecure, self doubting and each of us is different from the other. I think you made the right choice on V. If ALL she wanted was sex, she would be better off with a vibrator not a human being. If she had shown interest in YOU that would be different (aggressive and likes sex add in really interested in you = Yahtzee! ) Have no clue about the second girl....maybe she just chickened out thinking she had been too pushy or she met someone else? Yeah, give Adriana a shot, don't "punish" her for the other two.

Ditto to all that right there ;)
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Wednesday 22 Apr 2009 at 06:38 pm (UTC)
Ditto to all that

Thanks.
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Wednesday 22 Apr 2009 at 06:38 pm (UTC)
Dating is hell. I am well out of it.

Yeah. No such luck for me.

Off to touch the stove again. Maybe this time it won't burn.
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