Warning: Contains spoilers for Buffy Season 8 comics issues 34 and 35
Disclaimer: F#@% the copyright holder.
The heat is so pure. Angel feels her love surround him in mid air. And the friction of her tight embrace is making him glow. Or, making him glow even more. “Don't you see, Buffy,” he demonstrates, “our love could melt the arctic ice.”
Flying makes her seem weightless. The sweetness of her lithe body, licking that lollypop on the school steps, making love in the open sky, she enchants him in every way. “You are my light, the innocence to my tortured soul, and now we can truly be one.”
“Oh yes, Angel,” she pants between one super orgasm and the next. She already lost count of them. “Though not as innocent as last time, really, to be fair” she apologizes for her failure to stay true in their years apart.
And they fly through the air, onto the ice that begins to fizzle and melt like a glacier exposed to greenhouse gas accumulation when their glowing, mystical sex comes to rest on its river of solid water.
Two concentric rings of light spun outside the castle as Willow materialized with two other rings behind her. She slumped to the ground with the effort of teleporting so far carrying others along with her. Then the other rings resolved themselves, one into Giles and the other into Andrew carrying a wounded Faith.
“What happened? Where's Buffy?” asked Dawn as Satsu ran up to help Andrew carry Faith inside.
“She flew off with Angel. With Twilight,” said Giles. He hurried toward the Castle. “I need to get to my research.”
“Wait, Angel and Buffy are fighting Twilight?” Dawn asked, confused. She followed Giles toward the main door where he ran into Riley blocking the way.
“No,” Riley answered, “Angel is Twilight. He's been the villain right from the beginning.”
Xander came up behind him smugly, “Looks like Angelus is back.”
“I think it's just Angel, not that there was ever much difference,” Riley folded his arms and filled the doorway as Giles attempted to pass.
“I tend to agree,” agreed Giles, “but I must find my research if we're to stop them.”
“Wait, stop them? What are they doing?” a recovered Willow came up to the others, “and why is Buffy f#@%ing him after he killed two hundred and six slayers?”
“There is an ancient prophecy about a slayer who falls in love with a vampire with a soul.”
Buffy and Angel glowed in the Arctic night. Angel turned her over and took her from behind. Then he inverted her and had her upside down hanging over the ice. He made love to her in all the kinky positions he had missed in their one previous night of passion, repeating the ones that only he remembered from the day he had erased.
Finally he could show her that they were meant to be together and no one else could truly satisfy Buffy like Angel could.
Soon they had even tried most of the sensual positions that Spike had taught her.
They were back to simple missionary once again, floating over the ice, when a lithe form dressed in a tuxedo stalked in a waddle up the glacier. Over Angel's shoulder she saw in the glow of their bodies and the burning remnants of her and Angel's clothes that it was a flightless waterfowl approaching.
“I think we missed the Arctic, my soul mate.”
“You've been keeping this a secret from us, from Buffy, when you knew she would be consumed by this thing and burned alive body and soul,” Riley accused.
“There was no reason to believe it would be Buffy,” Giles slammed down a dusty manual so large it covered the width of the dining hall table and opened it to a page bookmarked by a Magic: The Gathering card. Giles picked up the card, “Andrew, have you been stealing my Pergamum Codex bookmarks again?”
“The drawing from that codex are so cool, G-man,” Andrew justified, “I just can't resist.”
Riley slammed his fist on the table for attention, “you were expecting some other slayer demonically mated to a vampire with a soul on the day she was called?”
“Sometimes it comes to pass. The watchers' diaries record Niccolo Polo's slayer, in love with a vampire with a soul in 1265 in Peking. And Yax Nuun Ayiin at the end of the eighth b'ak'tun in Tikal, um, 435 A.D. And neither of them were possessed by Gracchus.”
“Wait, Angel and Buffy were mated the day she was called? But they didn't meet until Sunnydale,” complained Willow.
“That's what the prophecy reveals,” replied Giles.
“Who's Gracchus,” demanded Dawn, “and what does he want with my sister?”
“Illyria's Brother,” answered Riley, “and he wants to inhabit her body and Angel's to mate and thereby to reverse causality once and for all.”
“So that's why Buffy was coming on to me,” wondered Xander.
“Wait,” said Dawn, “She was coming on to you?”
The emperor penguin pulled himself up to his full four feet of height and looked onto the two fated lovers with disgust, “kaa'aark.”
Buffy saw his piercing blue eyes and noticed the tuft of curly blonde feathers on top of his head and gasped.
“Wait, what does that mean, reverse causality?” asked Andrew as Dawn and Xander continued to squabble.
“They will tear the fabric of reality so that one event can no longer lead to another in a logical sequence. Everything, even impossible things, will happen with no reason or explanation possible,” explained Giles.
“Have they already started?”
“The second and third and fourth sonic booms were them f#@%ing,” noted Willow.
“Then we truly are doomed.”
“No,” said Riley. “There is one more chance.”
“How?” demanded Giles, turning the pages once more in frustration.
“You see, I'm not really Buffy's triple agent,” he paused for dramatic effect.
“Then what are you doing here?” asked Dawn, back from teaching Xander about the secrets a good boyfriend does not keep.
Interrupted in his dramatic pause, Riley stuttered, “I'm- I'm a quadruple agent.”
“A quadruple agent?”
“Yes, I'm really working with a team made up of an ancient demon God-King, a giant telepathic fish, and Spike.”
“You expect me to believe that you're working with Spike?” doubted Dawn.
“Spike!” screamed Buffy as Angel ploughed her depths with his glowing penis.
“Yes, I'm spiking your pure young flesh with my-” Angel paused from thrusting, “did you say Spike?”
“Wait, Spike's alive?” asked Willow, confused.
“Yeah, Andrew didn't tell you?”
“I wasn't supposed to blab, Dawn,” said Andrew under his voice.
“How do we know you're not a quintuple agent, soldier boy?” demanded Kennedy, stepping in front of Willow to protect her from the duplicity of the super soldier who made the slayer feel her masculinity was threatened.
Riley looked down at her with disappointed disdain. “There's no such thing as a quintuple agent.”
Kennedy looked at Willow for confirmation and she shook her head.
Deep inside Buffy a powerful part of her screamed out for release. Stronger than ancient demon princes and wider than the heavens Buffy's dream bubbled to the surface and the slayer's will fought the intruder in her heart and mind for one brief instant.
Spike waddled in the glow of the orb of the moon and the glow of the two lovers and the even brighter glow of Angel's two orbs of pale moonlight. Buffy saw the oily coating of his feathers that kept Spike warm swimming in Antarctic ocean waters and broke through. “Come and get it,” she shouted over Angel's shoulder as the older vampire continued to drive into her.
His avian erection pointed out toward Angel's glowing orbs as Spike moved in. With all his terrible demon possession super strength Angel resisted but Buffy pulled his cheeks apart for Spike's lubricated penetration. “Kaaarr!”
“You're working with Illyria, the ancient God-King, who communes with the ferns and comes from the time before animals and flowering plants?” inquired Giles. When Riley didn't answer he continued, “are you or aren't you?”
Riley looked up from where he was writing notes on rite-in-the-rain paper in a field book. “Send ferns, not flowers,” he mumbled. “Sorry, but things aren't working out with Sam and Illyria's hot in that rubber skinsuit,” he said, “I am working with Illyria, and we've figured out a way to drive her demon prince brother out of Angel. But he's not going to like it.”
“Or maybe he will.”
Spike penetrated again and again, black and white bird into souled vampire into demon possessed vampire slayer. His beak transformed as two narrow fangs began to grow and flapped his wings to gain purchase as he bit into the base of Angel's neck, bringing them both an intense orgasm of avian vampire passion.
And Angel stopped glowing. They both slid off onto the ground as Buffy continued to fly and to glow.
“I'm free!” Angel shouted in pain and exaltation, “For the first time since I saw her and was possessed by that demon, I can truly love with my own heart.” He took hold of Spike around the belly and ran his fingers into Spike's feathers while kissing the penguin vampire. Angel's tongue snaked in the underside of Spike's beak and caressed his mouth.
“Then Buffy's going to be okay?” asked Dawn.
“Well, the universe won't descend into randomness and nonsense,” Riley folded out a piece of paper where Illyria had drawn up the plan. “But she doesn't know how to save Buffy.”
“Ahem,” Giles turned away from the paper for a moment. “She did illustrate it quite specifically, didn't she?”
“She's a very good artist,” admired Andrew.
“What's this here in Sumerian?” wondered Willow.
“It says there's only one,” read Dawn. “Only one possible,” she continued, “thing.” “No,” she corrected, “only one cure for the slayer!” Then she was dejected. “But it will never work.”
Buffy was still glowing, floating, and burning.
“We don't have a mystically fated love anymore, but I still care about her, Spike. She's a hero and a good friend. We've got to save her.”
Buffy lost consciousness and couldn't hear him anymore.
“Kark, kark,” said Spike dejectedly. He knew the truth. Illyria didn't find any way to save her, only his grandsire.
“It says she needs her true love's kiss.”
“Wait, her true love or the one that truly loves her, 'cause I can deal with that,” Willow interrupted.
“Not just true love, but mutual love. And it has to be from a vampire,” said Dawn.
“But she was just f#@%ing Angel! They didn't kiss?”
“That's the souled vampire prophecy that get her into trouble. She can only be cured by true love with a vampire that has no soul.”
“But that's impossible,” argues Giles, “no vampire can love without a soul.”
“But that's what it says. She has to have fallen in love with him, or her, with no soul.”
“Um guys,” said Willow tentatively, “Buffy said something to me before we fought the First Evil. Let it slip, really. I don't think she really wanted to say it out loud.”
“So there's nothing we can do?”
“Damnit. There has to be something!” Angel pounded his fist into the ice so hard it cracked apart a sheet of glacier even with only his ordinary vampire strength.
Spike lifted up a piece of ice with his wing and rubbed it on the back of Buffy's neck as she burned from the inside.