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On The Nurturing And Operation Of The Human Female [Monday 13 Feb 2012 at 09:31 pm]
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I've read some Buffy Season Nine comics and come to a clear conclusion about Buffy's pregnancy.

First, I counted the days.

*Buffy's party is day zero.
*She wakes up with naked Willow on day one and later meets Spike and the loan collector.
*On day one or two she is caught by the cops with a stake.
*On that same day she escapes and the next meets up with the Siphon.
*She sleeps over with the Siphon on day two or three.
*She does battle with the Siphon with Dowling, Koh, and Spike's help on day three or four.
*On day three or four, Anaheed and Tumble find her weapons stash.
*Anaheed and Tumble are so eager to talk about her dangerous lifestyle, they harass her in the bathroom soon thereafter. Since it's such a priority to them, I can't imagine they've waited more than 48 hours after they found the weapons, so it's day four to six.
*Buffy is taking a pregnancy test in that bathroom and gets a little blue plus on day four to six.

So I conclude that Buffy is confirmed positive on the pregnancy test somewhere between four and six days after the party.

We've all had this conversation:


Paramour: Owen, I'm pregnant.
Owen: Really? How do you know?
P: It's my cycle. It hasn't started yet.
O: Are you sure?
P: Of course I'm sure! It's my body.
O: I mean, are you sure you're overdue.
P: I think so. I must be. It feels overdue.
O: Have you tried a pregnancy test?
P: Those don't work until you've been pregnant for two weeks.
O: So let's just not worry about it yet.
P: Owen, I can't be pregnant. I'm only [16,17,18,19,21,23,36,39,40] years old, we're not married, my father doesn't like you, and you don't have a job.


I always enjoy that conversation because it's a strong predictor of hot, intense panic sex.

I find that the ladies often just aren't counting right. One partner of mine would panic each and every month because she was sure her cycle should be exactly 28 days. As a rational man I keep my mind like Abed's notebook and I always know the exact day of my girlfriends' cycles and their likely mood swings. It's a survival mechanism. That 28-day girl cycled like clockwork, always 31.25 days. That made for three excellent days of panic sex each month. You might suggest that I should have relieved her of the worry, but would you really try to tell your girlfriend that you knew her cycles better than she did?

It sure beats the alternative conversation:


P: Owen, you need to move out of my house.
O: What? I like it here.
P: It's been four months, you still don't have a job, and I'm pregnant.
O: You're pregnant? That's great, but I definitely need to stay around for the baby.
P: So it can have a daddy lying around on my sofa, drinking my beer, playing video games, and freeloading? I don't think so.
O: That's not all I do.
P: It was great that one week when you organized the recall campaign against our asshole state representative, but that was two months ago and it never got you a paying job. I've only been sleeping with you because of the way you told off my [boss,graduate advisor,father] and how sexy you look on your bike with that leather coat. But the rebel without a cause thing is over. It hardly makes a marriage.
O: But we're having a baby together.
P: I'm having a baby; you're moving out. Pack up your things and call your mother and see if she'll take you in. Again.


I've had that one a few times, too, and it never leads to hot panic sex.

Anyway, the point here is that it takes about two weeks for a pregnancy test to work. Even the sensitive ones your doctor can do don't work in less than a week and a half.

Thus I'm forced into one of two conclusions:

1. Buffy was pregnant before her party. Maybe she and Spike got frisky on the fire escape. Maybe Xander and Buffy got it going on Xander and Dawn's bed and that's why they chatted guiltily before the party and Buffy had to move out so suddenly and that's why Dawn was upset with Xander and wouldn't let Buffy stay over (lots of evidence for this, actually). Maybe it was an immaculate conception. In any case, the baby isn't just a Dark Horse punishment for girls who wear skirts and drink, because it happened before S9 started.

2. The comic writers are boys. The boys in question have never had a serious girlfriend and never inquired into how human females operate. In fact, these boys aren't really interested in women except as giant-breasted icons of inky desire unthreateningly confined to the inanimate page.

Could be either one, really.

[User Picture]From: fenchurche
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 04:47 am (UTC)
Based on past experience, I strongly suspect #2.

But a big thank you for running through the timeline... I hadn't actually put that together yet.
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 05:41 am (UTC)
Officially I maintain an agnostic position on the two possibilities.

But I do give a thumbs up to your icon.
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[User Picture]From: coalitiongirl
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 05:01 am (UTC)
I know that stormwreath put together a timeline somewhere that gives Buffy a bit more time, though it's still cutting it a bit close.

In fact, these boys aren't really interested in women except as giant-breasted icons of inky desire unthreateningly confined to the inanimate page.

So that's why they had Moline do the the art for #5! :D
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 05:43 am (UTC)
Well, stormwreath is a smart cookie but I missed his figurings.

So that's why they had Moline do the the art for #5

He does have a pendulously endowed vision of the distaff crew.

Edited at 2012-02-14 05:43 am (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: coalitiongirl
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 06:09 am (UTC)
Just found them over here. It's at least seven days, though still cutting it close. I'll take anything to avoid implications of a Buffy/Xander baby...
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[User Picture]From: ms_scarletibis
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 07:22 am (UTC)
If it ends up being a Buffy/Xander baby...I think I may be done.

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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 10:37 pm (UTC)
Srsly. Wait, the glowy murderous Bangel thing wasn't enough?
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[User Picture]From: shapinglight
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 09:06 am (UTC)
I think your 2 is more likely.
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 10:39 pm (UTC)
It seems to be winning the vote around here, but isn't the Xuffy baby even more disturbing?
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[User Picture]From: elisi
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 09:45 am (UTC)
Either #2, or it's Angel's magic space-sex baby and Buffy's having the longest pregnancy ever. Which again points towards #2...

(Funny how appropriate this icon is for - everything, really!)

ETA: Personally, I want it to be a starbaby. It's the only possibility that doesn't squick me.

Edited at 2012-02-14 12:11 pm (UTC)
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 10:41 pm (UTC)
Oooh, Angel is another good candidate. After all, why should Buffy already be showing; it's only been six months.

Starbabies aren't squicky anymore? I remember being plenty squicked on AtS, but maybe that was the Connor/Cordy.
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[User Picture]From: elisi
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 10:57 pm (UTC)
Well, the whole got-pregnant-whilst-passed-out-drunk is pretty much in the same league as shagging-boy-you-used-to-babysit-whilst-your-body-is-highjacked-by-higher-power, so if it's a starbaby then at least *someone* or *something* else is to blame other than 'Buffy drinking too much'...

Mostly the whole thing makes me feel like my icon.
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[User Picture]From: kerry_220
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 11:50 am (UTC)
I like the idea of miracle baby spawned by the first slayer/fairy and impregnated through a punch in the stomach.

Sadly, this still points to #2
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 10:44 pm (UTC)
Baby eggs being laid in the ear with a punch in the gut does point to #2. But I may use that story to terrify my daughters' friends when camping out. "Do you remember what your parents told you about how babies are made? You didn't really believe that nonsense about two people loving each other very much did you?! Now we're going to hear the real story of Tinkerbell faeries laying eggs in your ears!"
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[User Picture]From: infinitewhale
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 02:15 pm (UTC)

I vote for #2 with the caveat that it could be a quickened starbaby.

Or maybe Spike's recently-activated swimmers are super fast-acting.

Nah, it's probably just plain old #2.
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 10:46 pm (UTC)
Or maybe Spike's recently-activated swimmers are super fast-acting.

I'm pretty sure it's the female side of the zygote and embryo equation that counts off the timing and the boys are just spectators riding the womb's couch and drinking its beer.

Unless the increasingly popular starbaby story is pushing ahead.
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[User Picture]From: rahirah
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 03:33 pm (UTC)
I'm betting on #2, but I will be unsurprised if 1#, Xander subset, turns out to be true, because why should Joss make one person miserable when he can make three people miserable?
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 07:23 pm (UTC)
It's like a little love equation: 1 <3
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[User Picture]From: boot_the_grime
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 03:55 pm (UTC)
That timeline can't be right because issue 5 takes place over a few days. I can't remember how many exactly - where is Stormwreath when you need him, he calculated the timeline a few weeks ago and came to conclusion that it's closer to two weeks IIRC.
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 10:51 pm (UTC)
Depends how many sleeps you count at night and when, of course. Buffy wakes up soon after falling asleep and goes out to the pharmacy during the day so she's not always waiting for nighttime.

But no matter how you count it, Tumble and Anaheed would have to be waiting well over a week to talk to Buffy about imminent danger from her presence in order for that test to be measuring the result of a party hookup. Also they would have to be seized by the desire to talk to her only once she was in the bathroom in spite of their over-one week lack of urgency. And it's not the first time they have a chance. They both see her after the first nightmare.

Stormwreath's figurings are referenced in a thread up there somewhere on this page, though, so you can go see them.
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[User Picture]From: rebcake
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 04:33 pm (UTC)
I heartily endorse Buffy having some hot panic sex! I now feel that I may have missed something in life by being so conscientious with birth control.

Although, I did panic once, when McDiva was going through one of those numerous difficult phases.

Reb: (waking after a vivid dream about evil spawn) OMG! We've been having unprotected sex! What was I thinking!
MiAmor: Uh, remember that vasectomy I had three years ago?
Reb: Right. Nevermind. You're the best.
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[User Picture]From: owenthurman
Tuesday 14 Feb 2012 at 11:04 pm (UTC)
Hot panic sex with Spike successfully endorsed! Might be dangerous to buildings that have been recently helicoptered in from SoCal, though.

Yes, think how much happier life would be with irresponsible birth control neglect. It's like you're missing out on ten thousand years of heritage of fear, worry, family fighting, shame, panic, and panic sex.

How can we say we're truly alive when we miss out on our deep human heritage of smallpox, malnutrition, and being torn apart by wolves?

On the other hand, I still cheerfully don't use any kind of birth control. I wonder what that means (beyond how refusing to sleep with anyone unless I'm sure I'd like her children has cut down on my cadding-about opportunities).

Oh, evil spawn dreams. I haven't ever had any of those, but my eldest is approaching teenhood.
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[User Picture]From: crazysoulless
Monday 20 Feb 2012 at 09:05 pm (UTC)
I really don't know what to hope for. Angel is too long ago to be an option. Spike is dead and shooting blanks. Riley is married. Xander is having sex with her little sister/daughter. Andrew is disgusting. Tumble and Anaheed don't even bathe. What do we know about her neighbor Heinreich?

If it wasn't from the night of the party than at least it was consexual.

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