|FIC: Five Times Buffy Was A Robot (And Once She Wasn't)
||[Thursday 29 Mar 2012 at 05:25 am]
Title: Five Times Buffy Was A Robot (And Once She Wasn't)
Spoilers for all of Buffy canon and for the comics through March 2012.
Comments: Loved. Which is your favorite?
Buffy pulled up to open the bedroom window, but it wouldn't budge. Joyce had nailed it shut. "Well, it's official," she said, "this day can't get any worse."
"Beg to differ."
Buffy, startled, turned around to find Ted in her bedroom. "You died."
"That's right, little lady, you killed me. Do we have something to say about that? Are we sorry?"
"Yes," answered Buffy, "I am sorry. I didn't mean to kill you. But how are you alive again?"
Ted was surprised and pleased that Buffy had become so polite and cooperative. "Well, I'm really a robot."
"Yeah, I was a real person in the fifties and then I got sick and before I died, I built a replacement of myself."
"So you're saying that you could build a replacement of me, one that could be strong like you and kill vampires. And mom and I could move away from the hellmouth, thousands of miles away. Maybe with aunt Arlene in Chicago. Instead of facing an early death, I could be on the beach in Grant Park with ice cream, no vampires, no Cordelia, and the Watchers' Council wouldn't even know."
"Well, sure, if that's really what you want."
"Willow!" Buffy stormed into the Castle's headquarters and waved a tabloid newspaper in the witch's face. "What is this? Another decoy? This one is ruining my reputation, out dancing and drinking with demons. I would never do that!"
"Oh," Willow was taken by surprise, "we needed another one in a more visible location. Somewhere with lots of paparazzi. Like Rome."
"I still don't see why it's so important," Buffy stormed out.
Willow pulled out her smartphone and hits the speed dial.
"Hey, Buffy, it's me."
"Yeah, the robot here in Scotland found out about you. She's pretty upset."
"No, she doesn't suspect. She's still sure that she's the original. But she isn't."
"Are you sure you'll never come back?"
"I respect that. I really do. You deserve the break. But you're still my best friend and I miss you."
"Because Buffy -- the other, not so pleasant Buffy -- anything happened to Dawn -- it'd destroy her. I couldn't live -- her being in that much pain; let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did."
Then the robot kissed his lips. But those lips were too warm, too soft, too sweet. Not at all plasticine. He pulled away in shock.
"And my robot?"
"The robot is gone. The robot was gross and obscene."
"Don't!" Buffy interrupted, "that thing -- it wasn't even real." She paused a second. "Where did you get it?"
"So that's it," Warren giggled nervously, "the Buffybot, I mean, the new improved Buffybot, the Spikebot, Xanderbot, Gilesbot, Anyabot, Willowbot, and Tarabot. Plus, you have the original Buffybot, too, but that's a lot less advanced."
"I put my new biopolymers into the Dawnbot," Katrina sidled up next to Warren in an intimate way, "so that it'll be able to simulate a dimensional portal opening if necessary. Demons won't be able to tell the difference. They'd need to skin it completely down to muscle and bone to tell and even then it would take about four seconds before shorting out."
"That tissue synthesis is amazing," Warren looked at her with affection and respect.
"And I injected enough magic to keep them fooled," Willow slapped Warren on the back in an encouraging but awkward way.
Buffy examined the robots. "This is amazing Spike," She said, "we'll be three thousand miles away on the beach in Miami and Glory will still be trying to get her portal open."
"I pinched a van and a camper, Slayer. Which one shall we take and leave the other for the robots to head out in the opposite direction?"
"Wait, how dangerous is this demon?" asked Katrina, concerned.
"Strong enough to send the slayer running."
"Warren, maybe we should build two more and I'll take that job in Boston."
"I always wanted to get a doctorate at MIT. I'll even program yours to think we never got back together so she'll be completely outside the demons' suspicion."
Katrina smiled at him.
"Well, that's it for the polgara skewer. What next?"
"Cut the heart out of the slayer and see if we can implant that, too."
"I don't know, Doctor Walsh. Even comatose, she's still alive and she's human."
"Since when did you develop scruples? Don't worry. I replaced her with a robot and gave it a defective blaster. Her idiot watcher will never suspect the difference."
"You know, I gave you ample warning. I told you not to interfere. And you chose not to heed," Caleb advanced toward Buffy, ready to finish her with her own scythe. "I was kinda hopin' it'd go this way."
Cut with her own weapon, Buffy started to lose consciousness.
Standing over her own body, the First as Buffy stomps, "stuff her in the sarcophagus now! Vampires are coming."
"Yes'm," Caleb complies obediently. "And what do I do with this simulacrum here in the box?" He pulled another -- third -- version of Buffy out.
"Activate it and stuff the original away. I'll infuse it with my consciousness and then I'll be guaranteed to win no matter how the final battle goes."
Caleb finishes the job of stuffing Buffy's lifeless body into the coffin.
"I just hope I can decide which vampire to kiss first."
Smiling at the jest, Caleb turns back to her newly animated robotic body just as Angel knocks him down from behind.
"I never was much for preachers."
"Warren! Like the phoenix! You've returned to me," Andrew stopped himself and frowned. He looked around the workshop and grabbed a broom. "You're just the First again," he swung the broom handle at the apparition.
No, dummy; it's me." Warren caught the shaft in his hands and pulled it out of Andrew's grip. He tossed it aside with a clatter.
"It's really you!" Andrew ran over and hugged his old teammate. "I thought you dissolved when Amy's magic disappeared."
Moana sighed with contempt. Her long hair accented her tiny and skin-tight black dress as she tossed her head and flipped it back over her shoulder.
"It was Moana," Warren gestured to her, "when I dribbled into a bloody puddle on the sidewalk, I only had like four seconds before I really would have been dead forever. Luckily Moana was there. She's a world class surgeon and she happened to have a putty knife with her."
"Can we get what we came for now?" she asked with obvious disdain.
"Yes, my love," Warren answered, "Andrew. We need you to do us a very special favor."
"Anything for you, Warren."
"First, let go of me." Andrew loosened his embrace.
"I need an arm," announced Moana.
Andrew was confused. She seemed to already have the usual two.
"It's for our new business. Supervillans are helpless without magic and they're turning to implants and genetic engineering."
"I can reproduce the slayer's strength, but I need a sample. From the original."
"So what do I do?" asked Andrew.
Warren dropped a tiny vial with a quick dissolving pill in it onto the table. "You'll drop this into Buffy' drink, some time when she won't suspect the hangover." Then he put down a robotic right arm next to it. "Then cut her arm off at the shoulder and hook this artificial one on. She'll never know the difference." He put another robotic right arm next to the first. "I made two because I don't know her exact size."